Wednesday, October 7, 2020

A Necessary Hurt~

"Which hurt worse?" I asked.

It was a question I asked
each and every time
my husband told of the time,
when as a small child
playing baseball in the field
right across from his home,
he had fallen and broken his arm.

no one knew it was broken.

Knowing if others knew
his days of playing ball on the field
might come to an abrupt halt,
he hid his hurt.
And since it was a fracture
and not a clean break,
he was able to hide his hurt
for quite awhile.

the hurt kept hurting.

the pain wouldn't let up.

the hiding and the not telling
and the fear of not playing
made it so the playing
wasn't any fun anymore.

When his parents
finally found out
and he found himself
face to face with a doctor,
he heard these words,
that to his ears,
seemed unbelievable.

"Your son has a fracture.
However, since this wasn't 
dealt with in a timely matter,
his arm has tried to heal itself, 
but not properly.
We are going to have to
re-break his arm
and set it in a cast."

And this is where
my question always 
interrupted his story.

"Which hurt worse? 
The first break or the re-break?"

His answer -
always the same.
"Both - but in different ways."

My husband passed away
four years ago.
And when he did,
might heart broke wide open.
Not a fracture, a complete break.

And unlike my husband
when as a child 
he hid his fracture,
when my heart broke,
everyone knew.

And try as I might,
I tried my very hardest
to deal with it head on.

To not push it under the rug,
to not pretend it wasn't there,
to not NOT deal with it.

Holding onto to God
with all my might,
I jumped right in to
the messiness of it all,
the sorrow of it all,
the not-one-thing-normal of it all,
in an effort to get to the other side.

And yet,
it is more than obvious to me now,
as I prepare to sell my home 
and move to a brand new city
in a brand new state,
after living twenty years in my home,
and thirty years in this quaint town,
without my husband -
I am experiencing a re-breaking of my heart.

As I empty closets 
of my husband's clothes -
shirts, that with just one glance,
can bring life to a faded memory,
my heart is breaking wide open 
all over again.

As I decide 
what to do with this
and what to do with that,
the realization of his death
feels in so many ways
brand new again.

And I find myself 
wrestling with myself
to answer my own question:
"Which hurt worse?
The first break or the re-break?"

And the only answer that fits
is that of my husband:
Both - but in different ways.

This - I am discovering -
 is simply the nature of grief.

As long as I'm alive,
as long as God graciously gives
breath to my lungs,
and a beat to my heart,
are going to happen.

Like my husband,
before admitting his break,
I think the sting of grief 
can always be felt in 
some degree and in some fashion:
A scent here.
A comment there.
A song overheard.
A thought re-thought.
It doesn't take much
to stir up grief,
to bring tears,
to stop you in your tracks.

But, a re-break -
this is like starting all over.

As tears roll endlessly down my cheeks,
I hear the Great Physician,
my Abba Father say words 
that seem almost unbelievable:

"I want this heart to heal
perfectly and completely
and in order for that to happen,
we are going to have to 
re-break it.
It's not that you didn't try
to heal it properly the first time,
it's just that in order 
for the healing to be complete,
we have to heal this hurt
at every single level."

The words are hard to hear,
the pain harder yet to feel.
And yet,
four years into this journey,
with my precious Jesus by my side,
I know I can trust my God
to do what is best.

my heart has been 
broken wide open again.

But praise God,
I have no doubt,
I will only find my God
in this pain,
and closer to me
than ever before.

Healing is happening.
One break at a time.
One tear at a time.
One prayer at a time.
One step forward at a time.
One turning it over to God -
over and over and over again.

"Oh the pain.
But you know what, Beautiful?
Once it was finally healed,
I was back on that field,
playing my heart out,
better than before."

This is God's ultimate plan:

I have come that you might have life
and life more abundant.
~John 10:10

Lord, give us courage
in the times of re-breaking.
Remind me over and over,
it's all part of the plan 
to get us back in the game of life,
better than ever before.

~ Stacy

1 comment:

  1. Oh Wow, I felt your hurt as I read your story... I lost my husband unexpectedly, in 2015, and I walked in a Fog, after all the arrangements were made, after I wasn't being a "robot" going through motions to put my husband to rest, and lots of people in and out, I had to go through his things, closet, bathroom, kitchen, everywhere. I was robotic, but I remember I couldn't stop crying so hard it felt like the very depths of my being and I don't know how I had so many tears inside me, or fluids to produce them. I remember my uncontrollable sobbing, would somewhat slow down, when I had to sit for a minute, and family or a dear friend would sit beside me, and just hold my hand a little while. But the part that was the most painful I can not say, just like you said. I found myself in an empty home, after Everyone filling the place, and suddenly, not a sound to be heard, except for my cries of pain, as So many memories came like a Flood all at once, and although so sweet they were, but at the same time it ripped, my heart out all over each time it happened. Still comes over me at times, and I feel my heart in my throat, but, with God's Help, and love, He's helping me heal. I'm saying prayers for you sweetie. God Bless You 🙏❤️


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