Monday, March 4, 2019

Our Calling~

most times, in fact,
we simply don't see it,
and we simply 
have no way 
of truly knowing.

On my knees,
in front of the window
in our spare bedroom, 
a place that has become to me
my own special sanctuary,
the tears fell long and hard.

In this lowly posture,
I found myself 
overcome with shame
and apologizing profusely
to my Heavenly Father.

The date - February 4.
A date that marked 
three years
since my husband passed away.

The shame - wasted time.
Three years of "being still"
and mourning this great loss
with nothing to show 
for the passing of this time.

I know as I wept 
in the presence
of my Heavenly Father,
His comfort was there 
for the taking -
(He is the Comforter, after all),
but my own emotions 
ran so deep,
I had a hard time 
gasping for my next breath,
much less partaking of His comfort.

I cried myself dry,
but the shame 
that drove me to my knees
was with me still,
as I stood to my feet
and walked out of the room.

It wasn't until a few weeks later,
on February 26th, to be exact,
that my heart,
still burdened low,
was able to hear 
the precious stirring of His Spirit.

I was holding in my hand
the proof copy of my new book,
"You'll Be Fine, Beautiful.
You've Got God."

And, without even thinking about it,
suddenly I found myself thinking about
my husband's funeral
and the words
God had so graciously given to me to share
as I stood in front of a crowd of people -
nothing written down 
on a note in my hand,
just the words flowing from my heart.

Words I no doubt 
wouldn't even remember me saying
if my husband's service 
had not been videotaped by the church
and then given to me 
as a precious treasure.

"I wish he would have known
what a difference he made.  
So many times 
he would come home from work,
discouraged and feeling down.
'I want my life to count.
I want my life to make a difference
and here I am 
just doing this piddly work 
day in and day out.'
And I would tell him,
it's not insignificant 
what you are doing.
I know that to be true
because I know you.
You couldn't be around Steve
without being greeted with
an enthusiastic hello.
You couldn't spend time with him
and not hear him 
speak words of life and encouragement."

Then - these precious words
from my Heavenly Father:

"I wish you would know
what a difference you have made.
These last three years 
have not been idly wasted away.
Every single word
written in each of your books
(and so many more
not included there)
were written during these three years.
What you spent your time doing, -
seeking me in the deepest place of grief,
sharing My faithfulness with others,
I wish you would know
what a difference you have made
because it is not 'insignificant'."

And I wonder 
how many times
you - just like me -
for whatever reason -
either through 
the voice of the world,
the voice of the enemy,
the voice of friends and family,
or the voice from yourself,
have found yourself,
bent over low,
burdened beneath the guilt 
of living a life 
that seems to you
to be insignificant.

How many times
have you questioned
if your life counts?

most times, in fact,
we simply don't see it,
and we simply have no way 
of truly knowing.

And I think what
both my man and my God
would have me share 
with you here 
are the rest of the words
I spoke on that day,
at that beautiful, hope-filled service,
three years ago.

"I wish he would know
what a difference he made
because it was not insignificant.
And, I wish that each of you 
would understand, too.
You may not feel
like what you're doing 
is making a difference -
but every single life counts.
Every. single. life. counts.
Every person you meet,
every place you go,
every thing you do,
is an opportunity
to bless someone else
with the blessings God has given us
to shower on other people.
He made his life count.
And, I wish we could learn from him -
and as we walk out those doors today,
to just go out
and bless our world
with the love of God
through love for each other."


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