Sunday, January 6, 2019

Grappling with Faith~

I've been wondering a lot lately
about the level of my faith.

Not wondering, really . . .
more discovering.

I talk faith.

I believe faith.

I think I have faith.

Then,
I find myself seated in a pew
at the funeral
of a four month old.

From the angle where I sit,
I can see the tiny casket
resting atop
a green and yellow striped baby afghan.

And, I listen.

And, wonder.

And, make myself face this question
head on.

"Do I really have faith?"

As the lady
seated in front of me
wipes a tear from her eye,
I wipe a continuous stream of them
from my own.

Pew after pew,
eye after eye.
It seems no one here
is untouched
by this heartbreaking loss.

"Faith isn't faith
until it is tested.
It is in times like this
that we stand on our faith
and it carries us through.
It is in times like this
that we discover
the kind of faith we have."

The words of the minister
reach deep into my soul.

I can hardly stand the pain
I feel seated in this place,
in this moment.

It is
overwhelming,
suffocating,
too much.

My eyes keep veering right
and then left;
any direction except
straight ahead
at the reality before us
and the reason we are here.

And, I think of
this precious mother,
this broken father,
these young sisters
and tiny brother.

To suffer such loss.

To bury one
so tiny,
so helpless,
so innocent.

To love God 
in spite of 
and in the midst of.

To believe without a doubt
that God is good
all the time,
even in times
like this.

Faith.

Do I have it?

Or am I simply spoiled
by the goodness of the Lord?

My life has been an easy one.

God's blessings
have been abundant.
Sorrows, few.

It's easy to have faith
when all is well,
life is happy,
"God is good."

But,
what about when
God's goodness
is disguised in heartbreak?

What about the times when
everything falls apart
and nothing makes sense?

What do we do with our God when
our God allows something
into our life
that pulls the rug of our heart
right out from underneath us?

What do we do when
our foundation shakes so violently
we find ourselves grappling
to keep our footing.....
and our faith?

And, I wonder.

And, I hear God's Spirit
asking me
the hardest question of all:

Do you trust me?

And,
the only answer I know,
the only answer I can give,
the only cry of my heart is this:

"Lord, I believe;
help thou mine unbelief."
~ Mark 9:24


~Stacy

(Re-posting from January 2013)

1 comment:

  1. It is not only inspiring but also challenging - to buttress our faith in Him who is the author and perfector of our faith. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving a "heartprint" of your own.