Wednesday, July 25, 2018

If Only I Could~

As soon 
as I step out the front door, 
I see it.

Big, bold, beautiful.

The first bloom on our hibiscus.
As soon as I see it,
I whirl around and head
straight for the front door,
straight back inside to tell you.

Only, as soon as my hand grasps
the cold metal of the doorknob,
my heart grasps the cold, hard reality
of your absence
once more.
Tears spill down my cheeks
and drop onto the welcome mat.
And, the longing of my heart
spills out into words
that aren't merely running through my mind,
but are tumbling out my mouth.

Out loud.
For anyone and everyone to hear.
"If only I could tell you!
If only I could run inside,
grab your hand,
and lead you outside
to see this beautiful bloom!
If only I could . . ."
Tears take over
and all I can do,
despite all I wish I could do,
is cry.
Looking down at the welcome mat,
this new place I find myself,
here without you,
feels anything but welcome.
And, if truth be told,
without you
sharing our address,
sharing our kitchen,
sharing our conversation,
sharing our prayers,
sharing our bed,
and sharing "us",
I no longer feel welcome here either.
It's as all that once was,
no longer is.
Everything is new.

Only none of the new
I am experiencing
is welcome here, either.

None of it.

Except, maybe,
the beautiful bloom on our hibiscus.
I  still remember the day
you bought it for me.

That day,
knowing how much I love
these big, bold, beautiful blooms,
you were the one heading
straight for the front door,
straight inside
to grab my hand
and lead me out
to see the new "beautiful"
you had bought for me.
"Look, Beautiful!
Just for you!
And, look how beautiful!
Just like you!"
I loved it.
And, I loved you all the more
because of it.
As I stand in the doorway,
half way in and half way out,
I realize I have a choice to make.
I can let this moment
steal the beauty
of what now is
by longing
for what used to be,
or I can let this moment
stir up thanksgiving
for the beauty
you have left behind.

I can choose
to stay in the past
I can choose
to step into the future.
As new tears
slowly make their way
down my cheek,
landing once again
on the welcome mat,
I choose to welcome
this new bloom,
this new beginning,
this new moment into my life.
"Thank you, Handsome.
Thank you, that even now,  you are
still making my heart smile,
still starting my day in a beautiful way,
still reminding me of your love,
still leading me out to see
the beautiful new thing
God is doing
in this new place."
If only I could tell you.  If only I could . . .

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun.
Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway 
through the wilderness.
I will create rivers
in the dry wasteland.
~Isaiah 43:19

(Sharing with you today, the first reflection in my new book, "If Only I Could".  Coming soon!)

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