Thursday, March 22, 2018

When Less Becomes More~

I think I'm starting to understand
what makes the terrible twos
(and possibly even the threes and fours)
so very terrible.

It's the natural tension of life.

This overwhelming desire
to do - (whatever it may be)
in your own way,
in your own time,
in your own strength -
coming face to face with
the limitation of
your knowledge,
your ability,
your control,
your just-not-quite-there yet.

And, it's frustrating.
It's upsetting.
It makes you want to fling yourself on the floor
and throw a tantrum the size of Texas.

I get it.

And while I am well past the age of two,
this place of life I find myself now,
two years into widowhood,
has me feeling the exact same tension.

The natural flow of life has me
desiring to
do more,
be more,
accomplish more,
figure out more,
but the age of my grief
and the short amount of time
I've lived in this new season
leaves me coming up short
time and time again.

I feel stuck.
Just like a two year old.

I feel the pull of life
tugging on me to be a part of it,
only I'm not quite "developed" enough
to live it
without frequent messes
and constant meltdowns.

And, it is in this place
that I have come to know God
as never before.

Like a parent
lovingly tries to come alongside
and lend a helping hand,
providing the "extra" their two year old is needing,
God is here for me.

In every "I want to but can't quite do it",
He steps in and helps me,
when I let Him.

Because -
like a two year old -
I have to admit,
I don't always admit my need,
give up my "Me do it" attitude,
or willingly surrender to the help
I so desperately need.

No -
I fight,
I struggle,
I try and try and try,
in frustration and desperation,
I throw my incapable self on the floor,
tears flowing down my face.

no matter how loud my tantrum,
or how messy my emotions,
God always stoops down
and picks me back up again.


He never leaves me in the middle of my mess.

He never turns His back on my failure.

He never walks away
when I sometimes
(in pride and arrogance and anger and frustration)
push Him away.

He comes.
He stays.
He extends His hand.
He wipes my tears.
He lifts me back to my feet.


And, most precious of all -
He understands the tension I feel.
He more than gets the struggle at the root of my actions.

And, He keeps loving me through it.

And I'm starting to understand
as I never have before
that realizing our need 
doesn't make us less, 
it makes us more.

And He said to me, 
"My grace is sufficient for you, 
for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 
Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, 
that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, 
in reproaches, in needs,
in persecutions, in distresses, 
for Christ's sake. 
For when I am weak, 
then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:9,10

And, unlike a two year old,
who will become less and less dependent on their parent,
I am discovering
I am becoming
more and more dependent on my Heavenly Father.

it's a beautiful thing.

This girl needs her Abba Daddy -
He is there.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Living in the Shadow of Hope~

I sit on the patio well past the moment dark first arrives.

Maybe, it's because I am waiting for my man to come to the sliding glass door as he always did.

"Hey, Beautiful.  Are you going to sleep out there, too?"
Then, after giving me that cute look of his, this:
"Here, let me help you bring your laptop and all the rest of you back inside for the night."

When the beautiful of Spring would unfold,
I would always squeeze every last bit of daylight out of the day
and even indulge in some moments of night
because I knew he would always come.

Now, the dark just keeps getting darker.
And my heart still misses him so much, at times,
I wonder if this journey of grief will ever feel different.
And no matter how long I sit on this patio -
the heartbreaking reality of it all is still this:
my Handsome Honey isn't going to come and help me back inside.

It's life,
or the death part of life -
and my head totally gets it.

It's my heart that still wrestles with it all,
on and off,
now and then,
more times than not.

But, honestly,
I'm ok with the battle between the two
because eventually,
the battle becomes so intense a referee is needed,
and thankfully,
each time,
God steps in and does what only He can do.

His sweet Spirit,
knowing my heart better than even my love,
gently draws me to Him,
and helps me find my way back.

Back inside.
Back to what now is.
Back to the reality that even though I feel so very alone,
I am not
because the great I AM is here.

And this same beautiful of Spring
that has me out on the patio in the first place,
is the same beautiful my heart needs to embrace
time and time again.

For just like tulips now risen from well beneath the ground,
Spring reminds us of the blessed hope we have in and through Christ Jesus, our Lord.

And just like today,
on a day when I hate to see night come,
I know if I trust God through the dark,
morning is right around the corner.

Death takes from us the one we love
but it can never take from us
what the Lover of our Soul did for us on Calvary.

Death reminds us of the separation
between this earth and our eternal home,
but it cannot separate us from
the love of our Heavenly Father

Death leaves us wishing for more -
and thankfully
because of the
death and resurrection of our precious Jesus,
we have the beautiful of more coming.

God willing,
tomorrow I will get more hours of daylight.

And soon,
you and I will know the ultimate more we have been promised -

a more that will find us reunited with those who we miss
with a missing that doesn't seem to end,

a more that will find us face to face with The One who we
have longed to worship and adore for all eternity.

Weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning.
~Psalms 30:5

But now,
now it's time for me to let God help me make my way back inside.

it's time for me to let God help me with my laptop
and finding my way back here -
back to my keyboard
and back to writing once again, too.

it's time for me to let God bring all the rest of me
to where I now belong
while I wait for the promised more  . . .
abiding and trusting in Him.