Thursday, November 2, 2017

When You Feel Out of Sorts and Out of Sync~

Chances are if you ask me to go,
I'll say "no".

I don't know why,
but for some reason,
I'm just not a parade person.
I don't really care to attend them,
and I definitely don't want to be in them.
Somehow watching people pass by in front of me,
doesn't capture my attention.
And being the center of attention,
passing by all those watching the passerbys
is just not my idea of a good time.

And yet, life -
if you really get to dissecting it,
is a lot like a parade.

Sometimes,
you are the one on the sidelines watching,
and sometimes,
you are the one parading through it.
And sometimes,
you are trying to do both.

And for someone like me, -
someone who doesn't "parade"
in any form or fashion, -
it can be an uncomfortable place to be.

Like the last three months,
when I have simultaneously found myself
on the sidelines watching my mother live her life,
while trying to keep step in my own.

And, I'm here to tell you -
it is not easy to do both,
and to do both well.

As I crank my head to keep an eye on her,
I can't help but step out of line and bump into
all the hoopla happening around me.

In trying to stay focused on her,
I am losing focus on
where I am going,
what's happening around me,
where I need to be,
how I am doing.

My forward progress,
which had been going in a fairly straight line,
now resembles a figure 8.

I feel dizzy,
out of sorts,
out of step,
out of me.

And my mom,
in spite of all my best intentions,
remains untouched by my efforts.

It's like an invisible glass wall between us -
we are in sight of each other
(even living under the same roof these last three months!)
but because
her parade is not mine
and mine is not hers,
we are not in sync.

Not anywhere close to being in sync.

From my parade, I point at her to turn left in hers.
Only she doesn't want to go left,
she wants to go right.
I signal for her to pick up the pace
and she instead marches in place.
I motion for her to try a new maneuver
and she keeps with the old, familiar routine.

And when I finally turn around
and focus back on me,
I discover my own parade
has left me in the dust.

And if this wasn't bad enough,
I feel as though the whole world is watching.

And then today,
as tears of frustration, failure, and fear
pour down my face,
a trusted friend
hugs and comforts,
encourages and strengthens.
prays and counsels.

I text her later:
"Love you! So much thank you."

Her reply:
"I don't think it's possible for you to love me more than I love you Stacy."

Me:
You do love beautifully well.

Her:
You do NOT have to be ok with me!!
Because that's what real friends do,
they are there for each other in the tough times, too!!

Me:
To be able to be me in my mess - what a gift. Thank you.

And I've come to realize
parades can be messy.

Batons can be thrown up
only to be missed on the way back down.

Decorations can adorn a makeshift float
only to catch a gust of wind and become airborne.

Feet can walk over asphalt
only to trip on the smallest bump and stumble.

Anything can happen in a parade.
Especially in a parade that hasn't been rehearsed,
that was spur of the moment,
jumped into and embarked upon in a split second.

But the thing about a parade is this:
It has to keep moving forward.

If it ceases to move,
it ceases to be a parade.

And, I have to believe
that my mom in her way
and me in mine
will eventually make it to our own finish lines -
it just might not be pretty along the way.

We are going to miss some batons,
lose some decorations,
and stumble our way through,
but if we keep going,
if we keep marching,
if we keep listening to the directions
from The One who knows the way we should go,
our Abba Daddy,
the Alpha and Omega,
the Beginning and the End,
we will eventually arrive.

And even though people are watching,
messy just might be ok for them to see,
because maybe just maybe,
it will encourage them in their own journey.

Maybe it will help them not feel so alone
when they are out of step,
out of sorts,
and out of sync.

Maybe just maybe,
it will encourage them to keep going.

Yes, chances are if you ask me to go,
I'll say "no".

But sometimes,
sometimes God takes your "no"
and pulls you into the parade anyway.

And for someone like me, -
someone who doesn't "parade"
in any form or fashion, -
it can be the very place,
I will come to know myself
and know my God
in ways I never would otherwise.

And if I parade in tune with His Spirit,
learning,
following,
messing up,
confessing,
trying again,
and again,
and again,
maybe just maybe,
it will be the place where others
will come to know themselves
and their God
in ways they never would otherwise, too.










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