Tuesday, July 11, 2017

When It IS What It IS~

A man cave?
No, my husband definitely wouldn't have referred
to our spare bedroom as a "man cave".
After all,
it didn't have a big screen TV,
pool table or dart board.
But, make no doubt about it,
it was "his" room.

All the signs were there.

One wall was home to a gun rack
which was home not to guns,
but rather several bows,
and a pool stick
(even though we don't own a pool table).

One wall showcased three different sets of deer antlers,
a mounted deer head,
and a mounted rainbow trout.

One wall displayed canvases turned art,
painted by his very own sister.

It was definitely his room.

And, I say was and were  -
not so much because he is no longer here,
but because a leaking roof
and now,
this week, plans for new drywall and paint -
had me removing everything
that had always been
from each of these walls.

Not an easy task,
especially for one like me,
who is so sentimental and
who has been trying to hold onto
all the "normal" I can.

And sure, after the work is finished,
I can "put back" everything
in the same place it was,
but in my heart,
I know it won't be the same.

It will never be the same again.

And this is what has me struggling the most.

As I stared at the blank walls,
the words I spoke to God
echoed back at me as though I
was standing in an empty cave -

It's just you and me, God.
It's just us and
that wall and that wall and that wall and that wall.
And, Lord, You and I both know,
I'm never going to get everything back on the walls
in the exact same place and exact same way they were before.

No matter how hard we try,
we can't hold on to what once was.
We just can't.

Nothing stays the same.
Life is a constant ebb and flow of change -
day and night,
spring, summer, fall, and winter,
birth, childhood, adulthood,
life and death.

As I stood in this barren space,
wiping one tear after another,
God, as only God can do,
began to whisper to my broken heart.

You're right. 
You're absolutely right.
You won't be able to re-create the room
to the way it was before
because you don't have his touch.

But, think of the possibilities, sweet girl.

And honestly,
do you really want a mounted deer head
hanging on your wall?

Truth -
when it hits you,
it hits you.

And those fishing rods,
and bows,
and all of the rest -
they are just things, sweet girl.

They aren't him.
Having them in this room
is not going to bring him back.

Seeing them everyday is not going to 
take away the ache,
take away the lonely,
take away the want.

Look at these walls -
what do you see?
What can you envision doing with this brand new space?

Catch a vision, sweet girl,
not of what was,
but of what can be.

And I realize once again -
something that I now realize
I am going to have to keep realizing
over and over and over again:

God is doing a new thing.

IS -
not might,
not may one day,

This IS my reality.
Four blank walls surrounding me
and a blank life out in front of me.

Think of the possibilities, sweet girl.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
It's just you and Me,
and yet,
I'm the one who can do immeasurably more
than you can think or imagine.
It's not going to be the same,
but it's going to be more than ok.
Keep holding on to Me
and together we'll hang up one day of life
and decorate one wall of this new season,
one moment at a time.

Look at these days spread out before you -
what do you see?
What can you envision doing with this brand new space?
Catch a vision, sweet girl,
not of what was,
but of what can be.

Little by little,
I begin to see it -
a chair there,
a writing desk here,
a canvas print of one of my photos on this wall,
and that wall,
and maybe that wall, too.

Little by little
I begin to see this, too -
God and I ministering to hearts
and maybe even over there.

most surprising of all,
I begin to feel it -
a teeny, tiny tinge
of excitement,
an itty bitty bit
of anticipation,
a smidgen of
(I think it is),
at the vision I am beginning to envision.

I have a feeling,
once it's all in place
and God and I have made it "ours",
my handsome honey wouldn't even mind.

"Enjoy, Beautiful, Enjoy."

"I will, Handome. I will."

You know,
come to think of it -
I've always thought our garage would look nice
with a mounted deer head hanging in it.

I think it's time to find out.

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