Friday, May 5, 2017

There Will Be Days~

There are days still.

Like yesterday.

As I walked out my front door,
I was greeted by a whole family of quail -
father, mother, and at least 15 littles
as they scurried from underneath my lilac bush
across the sidewalk and into my juniper bush.

Moments later, I caught Mr. Quail taking
a few for a walk in the neighbor's driveway
and was able to video the little ones trying
to make their way back to their home base.

Precious. Joy giving.  Smile bringing.

Later, as I poked my key into the mailbox
at the end of our cul de sac,
to my surprise,
everything in my mailbox brought a smile -
a card from a dear friend,
and a package of  "pampering goodness" -
bath salts, lip balm, bath soap, etc -
my prize for being the winner of an "Easter Basket" giveaway
a couple of weeks ago.

Precious. Joy giving. Smile bringing.

But, there are days still,
like yesterday,
when no matter how much
precious, joy giving, smile bringing
is happening around me,
or happening to me,
the tears still fall,
the grief still overwhelms me,
the missing my man still reduces me to mush.

A year and three months, yesterday.

A year ago, I wrote this:

Three months today.

You would love the slow and easy way summer is meandering in this year - 
cool nights and picture perfect days.

The turtles are out and about 
with some tiny, new additions to their ever growing family. 
The older ones come by the patio door quite frequently. 
Like me, I think they are expecting you to come bounding out of the house any minute now.

You'd be proud. 
In our annual "who can get more cherries, the birds or us?" race, 
I was declared the winner!

Sleeping without you 
still makes one night feel like a month long
and the moon, 
since you've been gone, 
strangely, has gone unnoticed.

I found a card I had written to you 
when we first started dating,
"until you, 
I didn't realize I was living my life in black and white, 
mute button on, 
and not fully tasting, breathing in, and experiencing life." 
Such truth in those words penned so long ago . . . 
now, without you, I am back to black and white. 
You took all the life with you.

You made everything and every day a special occasion. 
I think this is why I miss you so much.  
I loved dining on life with you. 
Thank you, baby.
Until we dine together again, 
I'm carrying all your precious love in my heart.

A whole year has passed
and yet,
I could write these exact same words again today.
(Although thankfully,
with everyday blessings like quail in your yard,
and the ever-healing love of God in my heart,
life is now full of color again.)

And even now,
as I try to type,
a steady stream of tears.

Some would probably tell me,
(because I've heard it before)
"We don't think you're dealing with the death of your husband right."

Oh, but I think I am.
I definitely am.

For in each wiping away of a tear,
there is also the lifting of my hand in praise and thanksgiving.

In each moment of remembrance and cherished thought
there is also the realization of just how very blessed I was,
how very blessed I still am.

And this,
there is always this:

How would I be deeply mourning such a precious loss,
if I had not first deeply experienced such a precious love?

I thank God in every moment of the hurting
and the healing.

And, despite what others may say,
despite what others may think,
I have a beautiful feeling,
for the rest of my life,
there will be days, still.

And, you know what?

I am perfectly fine with that.

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