Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Grappling with Faith~


I've been wondering a lot lately about the level of my faith.

Not wondering, really . . . more discovering.

I talk faith.

I believe faith.

I think I have faith.

Then, I find myself seated in a pew at the funeral of a four month old.  From the angle where I sit, I can see the tiny casket resting atop a green and yellow striped baby afghan. 

And, I listen.

 And, wonder. 

And make myself face this question head on.

"Do I really have faith?"

As the lady seated in front of me wipes a tear from her eye, I wipe a continuous stream of them from  my own.  Pew after pew, eye after eye.  It seems no one here is untouched by this heartbreaking loss.

"Faith isn't faith until it is tested.  It is in times like this that we stand on our faith and it carries us through.  It is in times like this that we discover the kind of faith we have."

The words of the minister reach deep into my soul.  I can hardly stand the pain I feel seated in this place, in this moment. It is overwhelming, suffocating, too much.  My eyes  keep veering right and then left; any direction except straight ahead at the reality before us and the reason we are here. 

And, I think of this precious mother, this broken father, these young sisters and tiny brother.

To suffer such loss.

To bury one so tiny, so helpless, so innocent.

To love God in spite of and in the midst of.

To believe without a doubt that God is good all the time, even in times like this.

Faith.

Do I have it?

Or am I simply spoiled by the goodness of the Lord?

My life has been an easy one. 
God's blessings have been abundant.  Sorrows, few.
It's easy to have faith when all is well, life is happy, "God is good."

But, what about when God's goodness is disguised in heartbreak?

What about the times when everything falls apart and nothing makes sense?

What do we do with our God when our God allows something into our life that pulls the rug of our heart right out from underneath us?

What do we do when our foundation shakes so violently we find ourselves grappling to keep our footing.......and our faith?

And, I wonder. 

And, I hear God's Spirit asking me the hardest question of all:

Do you trust me?

And, the only answer I know, the only answer I can give, the only cry of my heart is this:

"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
~ Mark 9:24





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3 comments:

  1. Stacy this was a beautifully written post. I understand your thoughts mine are much the same. I have lived a very Blessed life. It is so hard sometimes. I love the verse you ended your post with. My post today is a little different but the same in many ways. I was hoping to encourage serving others when they are broken. Thanks for sharing your heart today. BTW I am following via email. But I am signing up to be a friend. Look for my little Blue Slippers!
    May your week be filled with faith and Blessings,
    Sherry

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Stacey, I haven't been here in a while and firstly, I love all the changes. Secondly, you are so right about faith. I also feel I have faith until a fire gets lit under me. Its tough in those times because our feelings, our minds, tell us we are faithless and silly to have faith in the first place. I cry with you for this family, and pray that they choose to trust God anyway. Great post Stacey, good to be back here, you always encourage and challenge.
    God bless
    Tracy

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  3. What a WONDERFUL POST! I often ask my self the same thing, " Do I have Faith?" It's actually been on my mind for several months now. I'm sure I do, because of how involved I am in my church. But that doesn't mean I have Faith. I have to live my faith... Right? I have to live, in such a way, my everyday life, shall define if I have Faith... Thats one my one word for 2013 was indeed Faith. I think I need to Grow, Bloom like a flower in my Faith! Great Blog!

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